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Diddly
May 23, 2009, 11:50pm Report to Moderator Report to Moderator

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What an amazing character Wolverine is.  The guy is over 150 years old, has seen the turn of the century, has fought in the American Civil War, both World Wars, and even Vietnam.  What a superb wealth of material.
What a superb WASTE of material.
This movie skipped all of it.  We get to see a few seconds of reenactments of each war during the opening credits as Jimmy/Logan/Wolverine is fast-forwarded to just before present day.  Yes, they don't even bother to explain why everyone who remembers Jimmy would be calling him Logan now.
The story is so contrived it hurts.  People are just thrown together for effect, so they can give the big dramatic speeches, then avoid killing each other when that's precisely what they've been vowing to do, repeatedly.
Here's a very teeny spoiler, but shows the dumbness of the movie.  Gambit is the one man who has escaped from this uber secret military island where mutants are being held and experimented on.  By all rights, the military should be hunting him down with the same zeal as they do Wolverine.  Gambit clearly hates/fears Beast, yet swoops in out of nowhere to PREVENT Wolverine from killing him.  Then they have a little showdown while Beast escapes, after which Gambit basically says "Oh, you wanted to kill him?  Promise?  Okay, let's go kill him."  WTF?
Oh, and that uber secret base?  On an island?  THERE'S A BRIDGE TO THE MAINLAND, yet Gambit and Wolverine had to fly for hours to get there, across vast oceanic expanse, because ha ha the big joke is Logan hates flying.
The mutants are even a big joke.  There's Zero who's really good with guns.  Yeah, in a heartbeat he can somehow unload a handgun clip at insane range.  Every bullet is a perfect head shot.  Okay, so he's got super accuracy?  And must have super speed to pull this off.  Oh, and super dexterity since he can THROW his shooting guns, grab a couple clips and reload the flying guns in the air, while jump flipping over a ten foot wall, and catch them again.  I think this guy must be limiting himself by sticking to guns!
He's clearly not got super smarts though.  One scene they're chasing Logan with a helicopter (it's in the trailer, so I'm not spoiling anything), but for some reason they keep missing him with that honking chain gun.  Oh right, Zero orders some OTHER guy to shoot Logan.  That makes sense.
Another mutant, but with swords, must have the same powers as Zero though.  He walks into a room with a dozen guys shooting at him.  Somehow he can deflect every bullet with his blades.  Heck, he even slices the bullets in half so each half goes past him and kills two guys behind him!  More super speed, accuracy and dexterity.
I am forced to imagine this movie was just a mish mash of "cool" scenes thrown together, with a weak plot to try and join them.  Every character was flat.  Every scene hokey.  Every "twist" more unlikely.

The Good:
- Umm....  gimme a second here... hmmm... oh yeah, the opening credits.  They were cool.  Seriously.  They should've made THAT movie, instead of the crap I just watched.

The Bad:
- Remember how disappointed you were when George Lucas just HAD to put C-3PO and R2D2
in the prequel trilogy?  Remember how C-3PO was even created by Darth Vader, yet neither has any memory of it?  There's that stuff here too.  Ooo we get to see how Logan got his leather jacket and motorcycle!  Hey wow, a CGI version of Patrick Stewart to welcome a bunch of mutants, most of which we never see again, to his new school.  Wow he walks even!
- Why are Canadians fighting in the American Civil War?

The Ugly:
- Wolverine is "The best there is at what he does, and what he does ain't pretty."  He even says so.  Why then is he a total tool in every fight?  Seriously!  Even Gambit makes him look a like a monkey.

I give this movie 1/5.  Even the action was so formulaic that it couldn't save the movie.



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