Tired of the constant ridicule, Aquaman decided it was time to start his own league of heroes.  At the weekly meeting of the Justice League of America, Aquaman announced his intentions.

"But Aquaman," replied Superman, "Who would join you?"

Aquaman leapt up from his chair, "See!  This is what I'm talking about!  I have to get out of here.  If Robin can form the Teen Titans, I can form a super group too."

"Calm down Aquaman," suggested Batman.  "I trained Robin to be a lethal fighting machine.  You can talk to fish.  Not exactly equivalent credentials, in my opinion."

The Atlantean smoldered, too frustrated to say anything.  In the silence Wonder Woman spoke up, "Let him do this."

"Thank you Wonder Woman," said Aquaman, visibly relaxing.

"No problem," she answered.  "Now we can finally get some seafood around here."

"Arrrrg!" shouted Aquaman as he stormed from the room.  Glick from the Wonder Twins gurgled and clicked as Aquaman left.

"I agree Glick", said Wonder Twin Jan, "You'd have better luck leading a super group than Aquaman!"



                              *                        *                       *



After finding a suitable hall to house his new super group, Aquaman held interviews for the new recruits.  His first applicant strode through the door confidently.

"Your name is?" inquired Aquaman.

"The Pied Piper," chimed the applicant.

Aquaman furrowed his brow.  "The Pied Piper?  From the nursery rhyme?"

Piper shook his head, "No that was my great great great great great grandfather.  His power was passed down generation to generation."

"So you can enchant people's minds with your flute, right?  That's a good power to have," concluded Aquaman.

Piper shook his head again.  "No, the flute is just a gimmick.  It's the power to attract dumb creatures at will."

"Define dumb," Aquaman requested.

"Well, anything dumber than me," answered the Piper, then laughed "And I can be a real tool at times!"

"Okay, still, that could come in handy.  You're in.  Next!"

Up stepped a comely middle-aged woman.  She smiled down at Aquaman.

"Welcome miss.. what's your name and power?"

"I'M SOCCER-MOM!!!  WHAT'S IT TO YOU FISH-BOY?!?!?!!!!" screamed the woman whose formerly pretty face contorted into a mashed up lump of splotchy red-rage as froth spurted out of the corners of her mouth.  

Her throaty, hoarse voice pounded throughout the room, causing Aqauman to flinch.  "Uh.. I uh.." Aquaman started to say, taken aback at Soccer-mom's harsh address.

"WELL SPEAK UP SHARK-BAIT.. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" yelled Soccer-mom, her chest heaving as she inhaled deep gulps of air every time she ran out of breath.  Her  eyes looked to pop out of her head at this point and her nostrils flared with each word she hurled out.

Attempting to wipe away the gobs of foamy flem dripping off his scalp, cheek, chin and spattered across his shoulder Aquaman began to speak again but before he managed to get a word in edgewise Soccer-mom dominated the vocal arena once again "I EXPECT FULL BENEFITS FOR MY KIDS AND IF YOU OR ANYONE MAKES AN ISSUE OF ME ATTENDING MY KIDS SOCCER OR HOCKEY GAMES... WELL TRUST ME YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT".  

"I'm sorry madam but you're simply not what we're looking for." is what Aquaman was thinking but what he said was "Welcome to the team Soccer-mo... glub glub glub!".  Really all Aquaman said was 'welcome' before Soccer-mom's 'thank you' sent a tidal wave of spit gushing into Aquaman's mouth and lungs.  

And for the second time in his life Aquaman almost drowned.  Fortunately one of Soccer-mom's many hidden talents was CPR training.  After providing a lusty round of life-saving mouth to mouth resuscitation, he was back on his feet (if not a little weary).

"Who'se next?" Aquaman asked while secretly wondering if Soccer-mom might be the one he had been waiting for all his life...

A flourish of dramatic music grabbed the attention of everyone in the room, including a small cockroach that had been trying unsuccessfully to apply as a super hero.  No one questioned where the music had come from, because it seemed to match the entrance of the next applicant perfectly.

In walked Bruce Willis.

Soccer-mom began to drool with lust.  The Piper fainted.  The Roach scurried to hide in Piper's trousers.

"Wow, Bruce Willis!" exclaimed Aquaman.  "What are you doing here?"

Mr Willis smiled his crooked smile.  "I'm here to apply for your super group," he said.

Aquaman laughed.  "You may be a super star, but you're no super hero!"

"Ah but I am," countered the star.  "Didn't you see Unbreakable?  That was a Pseudo-Auto-Biography.  Only names were changed to protect the innocent."

"So you really are invulnerable?"

"Yes, but I can drown," replied Bruce.

Soccer Mom couldn't take it any more.  She raced across the room and latched onto Bruce Willis like a dog in heat.  In between slobbery kisses and wild gyrations, she vowed, "Damn you Aquaman!  Damn you for trying to steal me away from my one true love!   Bruce, I'd never love another man, even a fish man.  Why don't you respond to my letters?  Do you not get them?  I've sent almost two thousand!  Oh Bruce..."

Aquaman, shamed, filled out paper work for Mr. Willis, instead of watching the lusty coupling before him.  Even the mighty unbreakable Bruce Willis could not escape the clutches of Soccer Mom.  His pleas for help were like daggers in Aquaman's back.  Soccer Mom was his, and Aquaman hated him just a little for it.  Then felt guilty for the hate, then more shame, then hatred at feeling the shame, then guilt for being so filled with hate, then shame, and on and on and on, until the Roach scurried onto the paper in his hands and spoke up:

"Here I come to save the day!" squelched the roach.

"Wait a second, that sounds a little too familiar.." said Aquaman, desperate for another venue to channel his thoughts away from the Olympic sport Bruce and Soccer-mom were partaking in on the desk he was sitting in (and since the REAL Justice League had all the money, Aquaman was stuck sitting in a small student desk (the kind with the top that flips open) he took from the garbage dumpster behind the primary school down the block.)

"Why don't we go over..." Aqauaman began to say as the coupling couple got louder... "WHY DON'T WE.." sighing Aquaman pointed across the other side of the the Hall of Justice II.

"As I was saying, I think I've heard you're battle cry somewhere else before.. I think it was Speedy Gonzalaz, wasn't it?"  Aquaman was still talking quite loud since the Hall of Justice II was merely the back of a Uhaul rent-a-van.

"No no no NO" said the cockroach.  "He said ondelay ondelay, ree-bah ree-bah!  I said 'Here I come to save the day!' which you might recognise from Mighty Mous..."

"Ooooooohhh I remember now," said Aquaman, that was Mickey Mouse that said that.. he wore the magician's cap and saved some broomstick's little baby broomstick children or something.. heh heh.. you're so unoriginal.. hee hee"

With a look of disgust, the coackroach sighned and shock his head.  "Listen Aquaman, my battle cry was ripped off by Mighty Mouse back in the late 70's or early 80's.  Despite being very important to me I can't remember which one because the author writing my lines is too lazy to look it up for precision but trust me on this, okay?!?"

Aquaman looked at the roach with confusion.  "Ok, whatever you say my little friend.  So what are your powers?  Can you tame broomsticks with a magician's cap or run really really fast?!?"

"Actually those ARE my powers, but still, it was that other crazy cartoon that stole my battle cry"  replied the roach.

"Okay well welcome to the team Mousey!" Aquaman proclaimed.

"I'm a roach, not a mouse you idiot.  My name is Mickey Gonzalez, but my super hero name is Scrappy Doo!"

"Scrappy Doo?!" shouted Soccer Mom, as she turned from her embrace with Bruce Willis.  She leapt from the floor and stomped on the Roach.  "I hate that guy!"  It was so unexpected that Mickey couldn't use his fast running power to escape.  A sickly crunch noise punctuated the moment.

"There goes the best damned super hero this team ever had" cried Aquaman into his hands.  "Let's take a moment to remember everything he did for us.. why I remember meeting him like it was only yesterday... WHHHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Soccer-mom looked at Aquaman only momentarily before turning back to Bruce Willis.  Only as she turned to look at him she noticed something was wrong.. he was shimmering and his face became putty-like.  Suddenly standing before her was Brad Pitt.  Not really caring as long as she got hers with someone famous, she engaged to pounce on Brad's broad frame..

But just as she began launching herself the Pied Piper piped up "Wait a minute.. that wasn't action-hero extrodinaire, this must the Celebrity Chameleon.  Yah I've heard of him, he goes around pretending to be celebrities to get play from various men, women and celebrity pets.  The guy is a million-zillion-quadrillionaire because the paparazzi and scab magazine (like Car Weekly or Automobile Magazine Hourly) pay him loads of money to falsely set up celebs!"

All Soccer-mom heard was how rich he was and she began to drool.

"No no, you have it all wrong.. I would be rich if I didn't have so damned many paternity suits... I've fathered over two hundred children and even birthed a dozen myself.. you know expensive it is to send that many kids to private school?" said the Celebrity Chameleon.

Just as it seemed Aquaman had something useful to contribute to the conversation in came the next new recruit...

  Her face was green and her lips cracked and oozed puss when she cackled.  The boils on her nose and cheeks were so red they almost glowed, like the sun.  Her black cape and peaked hat were made of the most exquisite satin that shimmered in the lights.  Her hair looked like a bundle of twigs, dry enough to spontaneously catch fire or poke someone's eye out.  

  Aquaman shuddered his usual lust-terror seizure.  He had never seen someone so horridly, disgustingly hideous that aroused him so.  "What's your name darlin'?"

  "Wicked Witch of the West," She her voice snapped and hissed.  "But I'm really good!"

  "Didn't you try to eat Hansel and Gretle?" Soccer mom tore herself away from her carnal gymnastics a moment.

  "I only ate their legs.  They were free to crawl away."

  "What can you do for us?' Aquaman spoke lightly, fluttering his ears.

  "I wouldn't do one darn nut bustin' thing for the likes of you scum," Wicked replied through her yellow-brown teeth.

  "You're hired!" Aquaman burst out.

  "I just said..." began the witch.
  "YOU'RE HIRED!" shouted Soccer Mom, and grabbed the witch by the hair to try and pull her close.  The hair crumbled in her hand.  "What the...?"
  The crumbling continued.  The entire shell of the witch fell to pieces, like a stale gingerbread cookie.  Inside was a tiny creature.  "Ta da!" shouted the creature.  It was a slightly larger version of Roach.  "It's me!  Mickey Gonzales!  With each death I get larger and more powerful, and gain a new ability.  Apparently, this time, I gained the ability to cocoon myself with a disguise!"
  Soccer Mom squashed the bug unexpectedly.  "I hate that roach!" she said, then returned to the object of her lust, whom was now comatose with traumatic detachment.

  "Would you quit killing our applicants!" shouted Aquaman at Soccer Mom.  Her head spun to glare at him with intense hatred.  Her eyes squinted down to sub-atomic levels.
  "I will do as a damn well please!" growled Soccer Mom.  "Now you quit distracting me from my true love!"  She went back to her lusty motions with Celebrity Chameleon, but would every once in a while stop and glare at Aquaman.
  Finally enough was enough.  Aquaman summoned the courage to speak up, and yelled, "Celebrity Chameleon!  Become Ed Asner!"  Aquaman's shrill voice was enough to penetrate the daze Chameleon was in, and plant the suggestion.  As Chameleon shape-shifted, Soccer Mom shrieked with disgust.  She ran to the corner and crawled into a fetal ball and sucked her thumb.

"Finally, now we can get some work done" declared Aquaman with a certain smugness.  Everyone thought it came from having put Soccer-mom in place, but really he was smug because at least looking like Ed Asner almost put him on a level playing field when it came to his chances of scoring with Soccer-mom.  Almost.

"Everyone please gather at the Table of Justice" Aquaman said.

"You mean the folding table that is missing three legs and is held up by the milk crates?" asked Mickey Gonzales, once again reincarnating but choosing to remain in his cockroach form for the time being.

"The first order of business..." began Aquaman before he was interrupted by a red pump whizzing past his face.  THUMP!  "The first order of business is to discuss... ooohhh Soccer-mom.. you killed poor Mickey Gonzales.. AGAIN."  While Aquaman felt bad for Mickey, he knew somehow Mickey would be back.  Not because of Mickey's amazing ability to reincarnate 5 minutes after dying but because Aquaman really beleived deep down that Mickey was there for a greater purpose.  Truthfully, Aquaman didn't even realize that Mickey had the power to reincarnate, but then he never was very bright.

As the team huddled around the almost legless, patchy card table of Justice Aquaman took this moment to inspire his team.  'Misfits they may be, but they are MY misfits,' he thought to himself. 'That's right, these freaks and losers are all I have to prove once and for all to the REAL Justice League that I'm just as good.. well almost as good... well half as good at least as any one of them.  Except maybe Superman.  Oh and Batman... and I suppose Wonderwomen.. she is hot and has those cool arm band thingies that deflect bullets... and Robin.. stupid little smug-faced cute bastard that he is with all his charisma and such.  And those Wondertwins... damn I love how they look in their unitards.. sigh...'

The rest of the team looked on Aquaman as he stood there as though to speak with a lost look in his eyes.. waiting for their so-called leader to speak up.  Alas he was unable, even Soccer-mom came out of her stupor hours before Aquaman stopped staring off into space.

While they were waiting Soccer-mom killed Mickey Gonzales 7 more times and managed to get up the courage to ask Celebrity Chameleon if he could change back to anyone else.  Regretably they found a limit to CC's powers.. he could not shift his apearance until he had slept with someone in the current guise.  Regretably for him this likely meant he would remain as Ed Asner for the rest of his days.

Suddenly crisis struck - Mickey snuck off for a bit and 'borrowed' a newspaper from a dumpster down the block and after reading the headline on page b5 out loud the Justice League all knew that they would have to rally together and work as a team if they were to save...

.. their money.  It's true, their budget was pitiful.  The article mentioned how opening an ING Direct savings account could earn them more money than the fee-laden account they currently used at an undisclosed bank.

"Wait!" shouted Soccer-Mom.  "Who's that?" she bellowed dreamily.

Standing in the corner of the Hallway of Justice was none other than Spike.  "I figured you blokes could use some help," he said.  "Now, where's some bad guys to trash?"

"What are you doing here?" Asked Ed Asner.  "Aren't you on Smallville now?"

"Yeah, right, I was.  Kicked me a little of super-runt's a** I did.  But of course, since it was Supe's show, he had to win in the end."

Aquaman growled.  "Superman always has to win.  I hate that guy."

"See, there's somethin we got in common.  Now let's go.  I've got the urge to dish out some justice," agreed Spike.

Sighing at his lack of control over Spike and the rest of the new Justice League, Aquaman took out his whistle and blew it. TWEEEEEEEE..eee.EEEEEEEEE! it spurted twice.  "Now that is the call to assemble," he stated.  "When you hear this whistle, we will all know that there is serious business to attend to."

"Al-RIGHT" shouted Spike, "so what's the crisis?  What heroic work do we have to do today?"

"Weelll.. uhhhmmm.. nothing really.. not for now."  Aquaman sputtered.  "I was just introducing the alert sound so everyone knew what it sounded like was all.. I mean if I used it before telling you what it meant, it wouldn't have alerted everyone to assemble, now would it?"  he asked.

"Bollocks," muttered Spike, "how do I keep joining the biggest group of wankers ever... I thought those Buffy dweebs were bad until I hooked up with Angel and crew.. and then taking on Jr Superboy.. bloody hell!"

In the background, Soccer-mom felt a force burgeoning within her as feelings.. carnal feelings, were quickly developing towards this new hunk of meat she sensed iun the room...

     "OK," Aquaman said with a hint of desperation and schitzophrenia.  "We really should think of how we will deal with various issues.  I have a list of possible threats that we may be called to deal with."  He held up a piece of toilet paper with crayon markings.
     "Did you write that in the bathroom?" asked Celebrity Chameleon, now in the guise of steve buschemi, but with terrible teeth.
     "I... i had an inspiration," Aquaman cried.
     "That's called a bowel movement," Spike laughed.
     "Regardless!  We need some kind of plan for each of these scenarios," Aquaman orderd.  "OK, first scenario, a kitten in a tree.  Who would like to begin?"
     Soccer-mom, whose carnal urges had subsided momentarily, began to quiver and shiver with lust and longing.  Her hips wiggled and she giggled.  She sniffed the air and turned to stare at the man who entered there.
    With a confident smile of gleaming pearly white teeth strode Aqua-Velvaman.  "Hello," Aqua-Velvaman purred.  His voice smooth like honey over dying insects being fried by a magnifying glass.  "What is this then?"
     "Oh my god," Soccer mom dry heaved and gagged on her own drool.  "Even his ear lobes are pearly white!"
     "I know, I'm perfect, and," He sniffed himself with one long passionate sniff.  "I smell good."

     Everyone gawked and stared at Aqua-Velvaman.  He in turn stared at himself, "I'm soooo good." His voice crackled with arrogance.  He walked around those gathered without one look at them, until, "Yes, I have that effect on people.  They just can't keep their eyes off me.  What's going on here?"
     "I'm Aquaman and..."
     "Yes, I know, your dead-marinelife carcass odour speaks for you," Aqua-velvaman smiled.  Those staring at him squinted because he shone a 500 watt halogen bulbed flashlight at his teeth.  For an instant the gleam subsided as he ran his tongue sensuously over his teeth.
     "Can you turn that off!" Aquaman yelled.
     "Why certainly.  Now, my ugly companions what are you doing?"
     "YOU," Soccer-mom screamed like a wild beast with it's testicals caught in a bear trap.  She lept at Aqua-Velvaman.  He quickly turned on the flashlight again and blinded Soccer-mom.  She ended up grappling with Steve Buschemi/Celebrity Chameleon violently french kissing him.
     Aqua-velvaman laughed his model chuckle and pleasantly punched Aquaman in the face.  The loud smack brought everyone's attention back to Aquaman.
     "Ouch!  What was that for?" Aquaman sang-whined.
     "Now you have everyone's attention," Aqua-Velvaman replied, punch Aquaman in the face again.
     "What was THAT one for?" Aquaman moaned as he got up.
     "To bring this meeting to order again," Aqua-velvaman replied.  "I propose this become my Just-us League.  All in favour?" He smiled then and everyone brought up their hands to protect their eyes.  "Everyone is in favour.  Aquaman, you're out."
  

    Aquaman hung his head in shame and turned to leave the Hall of Just-us.  A sickening crunch under his left foot made him stop.  "What the?"  It was the Roach.  The little insect had been paralyzed by Aqua-velvaman's beauty, and now he was dead.  Again.
    Aquaman sighed and continued on his way.  What a horrible first day for his new super group.  Already mutinied against.
    The others in the room almost felt sorry for Aquaman as he left, but then they realised the alternative was for Aquaman to stay.
    "Right.  Figured some one would take top spot sooner than later," commented Spike.  "Figured it would be me, though."  He tried to assess his ability to overthrow Aqua-velvaman, but couldn't look directly at his brilliance.
    "Now that we've cleared out the riff raff -" began Aqua-velvaman, but was interrupted by being brutally tackled from behind.  In an uncharacteristic fury, Aquaman wallopped Aqua-velvaman, straddled him, then proceeded to pummel him with devastating blows equal in magnitude to the feebleness he usually displayed.
    "THIS *punch* IS *punch* MY *punch* TEAM! *punch*" Aquaman grunted.  "And now you're my beeatch."  Everyone backed away from the debacle, stunned into obedience by Aquaman's hidden prowess.